My dearest Heinz ketchup executives,
It's been nearly four weeks now since I have had the comfort of your delicious ketchup.
It's been four weeks since I've been able to slather you on hashbrowns or french fries or baked chicken.
At the moment, with my kidneys only functioning in the 26-percent range, I'm unable to eat tomatoes in any form. Therefore, I am unable to continue purchasing 64-ounce bottles of your scrumptious condiment on a weekly basis. I'm sure you've seen a dip in your stock options. I hope this hasn't led to any company layoffs.
I discovered the problem last month, during a week where I felt particularly awful, but I'd had bad symptoms for a while like nausea, vomiting, sweet taste in my mouth and even the hiccups. At one point, I was down to only 17 percent function for both kidneys, can you believe it?
As of last week, my kidneys are functioning at 26 percent, you'll be happy to know, ketchup folks.
But, as a precautionary measure, I must now be evaluated for both the transplant list and dialysis. I was told today that I should take an entire class for this dialysis, which I'm not entirely happy about. I thought I was done with classes after leaving law school a decade ago.
I also may have to be fitted with some type of arteriovenous fistula, where they graft an artery onto a vein so they can both draw and put back blood during the dialysis process.
I plan to get a second opinion before undergoing any major treatment.
All of this is gross, I realize, Heinz ketchup people, but I just feel you need to know why I can no longer commit to our relationship. I don't want you to think I'm cheating on you with another brand.
You know you've always been the only one for me. I spit on Hunt's. Sure, in a pinch, I've used packets of some other stuff, but never Hunt's. I swear. Heinz is the only true ketchup as far as I am concerned.
It's just that tomatoes are apparently toxic to folks with severe kidney damage, and as much as it pains me to say goodbye, it's something I must do.
If it makes you feel any better, I can no longer have potatoes or spinach or tacos either, which as you are aware are also some of my most favorite things to eat. Both potatoes and spinach have too much potassium, which isn't good for your renal system either. As for tacos, I can't have salsa, so what's the point?
I'm telling you all these things I can't have along with you so you don't cry your eyes out at our parting, Heinz ketchup folks. When I am able to return to ketchup once again, Heinz will be the only brand I look for.
But that may be six months from now. It could be a year or two from now.
You've certainly handled our separation better than I expected. I mean, the Coors Light folks just broke down and blubbered tears for hours on end. It was a true wailing and gnashing of teeth. So, I need you to move on with your lives, Heinz ketchup people. And I have to move on with mine, until we can meet again under better renal circumstances.
