I did not mean to get too old so soon
by Barbara Ardis | June 9, 2018 2:40 am
Last Updated: June 8, 2018 at 11:43 am
I did not mean to get too old so soon. My body has betrayed me. In fact, I do not believe my years and have to think back to my birthdate to really believe how old I am…August 10, 1927.
I did not mean to get too old so soon. As I drove home from eating breakfast that Saturday morning, I remembered that I had taken my mother’s car keys away from her at the age of 90. She was a great driver, but would get lost uptown. She said she just kept driving around until she saw the courthouse, and then she knew where she was. But I, in my infinite wisdom thought she was too old to drive. Now I don’t get lost when I drive uptown, and I don’t have anyone to take the keys from me, but any day now, I will be too old too soon.
Names are the first to go. I lose names, but remember faces and am frustrated not to be able to say the name, and can’t believe my conversationalist can’t fill in the blanks. I can describe the person, know where they go to church, and what their children are doing, but just can’t say the name. Help me and tell me someone who I am thinking about, unless you too have gotten old too soon.
The oddest thing about getting too too old too soon is that your mind and your body are not keeping the same pace. Somehow, my mind thinks like it is about 65, while the wrinkled skin reminds me of almost 91. What??? It can’t be, as I have not finished doing everything I meant to do when I dreamed at the age of 18. In fact, those18 year dreams seem almost childish as I see the trail of life for all these years. I did not mean to get too old so soon.
There have been many hard decisions to make as I traveled the years of work and marriage. Decisions mark the days of our lives…what to wear, where to live, where to work, what to eat, how to live, direct the children…each day is filled with decisions that I make hastily sometimes to my great distress. Time sometimes creeps so fast that you don’t have time to really think….only act. And then in your years of loneliness, time creeps so drearily like fog rising in the early morning. I wake each morning now and think what does God want of me today. I do not have any goalposts. My dreams have fallen into the dust. I did not mean to get too old so soon.
The great Sarah Bernhardt was still acting in films as her body betrayed her…acting with only one let, one lung, and one kidney. Although her body might be betraying her, she was still living as if she was 35, instead of her real age of 65. She did not let age define her. Nor do I. Of course if she was 91 she might also think she had gotten too old too soon.
I can’t remember where all the time has gone. When you are younger, you do not think of the end of time. Infinity is something relating to the division of Pi. Those endless numbers stretching out to somewhere and nowhere. And eternity seems to have the same dimension. It stretches out to somewhere and nowhere. It is beyond human experience. And as I walked through life, eternity did not seem to have any relevance to daily walks. And now that I see it in the horizon, I know I have gotten too old too soon. There are still flowers to smell, and arms to hold, and walks to take in a garden. And I still have too much love to share. The only tragedy is to be ignored. However, God has blessed me and fated me to live long for a reason. I will find it.
God loves you and so do I.