I’m afraid of crickets
by Robert Joseph Baker | September 4, 2016 5:24 am
Last Updated: September 5, 2016 at 9:39 am
There, I said it. I don’t know if I’ve even discussed it with a lot of friends, but it’s true. So, this week, we’re going to take a break from kidney disease to talk about my loathing for these chirpy critters.
I don’t like anything about them.
I don’t like the chirping. I don’t like the antennae. I don’t like that they can jump across the room in one second flat.
Crickets have creeped me out my entire life.
And, thankfully, not being that outdoorsy has kept me away from them for the majority of my life.
I mean, really, the last place you will find me is in the outdoors on purpose, so that makes me unlikely to be around my six-leg nemesis. But every now and again, these little critters get in the house or the office or somewhere else inside, and can really cause me to lose my mind.
There have been situations where one has gotten in the office, and I can hear it chirping, and I will just leave.
The main thing I don’t like is that a cricket can be across the room, jump and then, bam, be right on top of you. You can see a spider coming. You can see other bugs coming. I don’t really like any bug to be on me, but as long as they stay away, they can live.
Crickets are not that way. There is no warning. It’s like they teleport. Only the Holy Spirit should be that fast.
In early July, I was allowed by my doctor to return to the gym. I can only do cardio work, however. So, I got on the treadmill for about 15 minutes just to get back into the swing of things. I decided to shower and change there.
I went to the bathroom, got all my stuff out, completely undressed, pulled back the shower curtain and there, wagging its antennae near the shower drain, was a cricket.
Nope. Not today, Satan.
I slowly shut the curtain, backed away, got dressed quietly, put all my stuff back in my bag and decided, “Nope, I will just drive 30 minutes, hot and sweaty, and shower at home. No thank you.”
That little demon could have that shower.
So, yes, I’m a 35-year-old grown man, and I’m afraid of crickets. I’m not ashamed to admit it. We all have our quirks.
But if you need a spider, beetle or something else removed from your vicinity, I have no problem with that. Except wasps and bees. I’m allergic.
If I’m visiting and a cricket gets in your home, I’m gone.
That’s just the way things have to be.