Friends in high places

Posted
I was recently contacted by an Israeli banker. We're now good friends. Ms. Yael Ronen explained that her recently deceased client shares the same last name as I and is wondering if I might like to take over his riches? Here's the background: manninglive.com/2014/09/05/new-friend Ok, good. So I got an e-mail that began better than most e-mails I get: Dear Mr. Perry - I hope this finds you well. It is fortuitous that we should meet. Perhaps we can meet for dinner? I will find myself in the city of New York next month, on the 15th. I would like to buy you a steak. Then we can play tennis. Before we can meet, however, I would like you to send me your social security number and home address so that I may wire you $11 million U.S. from the estate of your dear, departed cousin, Kelvin. Allow me to explain. I know I promised an estate valued at $13 million U.S. could rightfully belong to you, and the bulk of it will. For my troubles, I require a 17 percent transaction fee, as my reputation as a responsible banker hangs in the balance. And my bank requires a 9 percent holding fee. To acquire the remaining balance, you need only wire me $6,230 U.S. to pay the bank's wiring officer to look the other way. This is quite common in my country, I assure you. And soon, you will be wealthy beyond all expectations. Wealthier than “Falcon Crest” and “Baywatch.” You will hire Mr. David Hasselhoff for your private parties. (Please be aware he likes mini-cheeseburgers, bourbon and sunbathing. This way he will be happy with you and smile often for cameras.) So, if you send me those minor informational needs and $6,230 U.S., we will soon be able to get underway. Your riches await! Just think of the celebrities that will arrive at your palace for a sumptuous buffet! Also, please let me know which restaurant in New York is your preferred destination. We have private chefs! And champagne! You will soon be part of our exclusive club my good friend! Faithfully, Yael Ronen Since all of these things appeal to me – steak dinners, tennis, bourbon, Hasselhoff, etc. – I knew at once I would have to reply. Also, it seemed like a mere pittance in terms of transaction fees – especially for a wealthy bon vivant such as myself – and I was eager to lay my hands on $11 million real U.S. dollars, which I envisioned to be bound and stacked neatly in matching Samsonite suitcases. Next to a freshly cooked New York strip plated with a sprig of parsley, like on TV. So my correspondence continued. My Good and Faithful Friend Ms. Yael Ronen - Oh my, I am excited! (I wanted to let her know how excited I was, so I used an exclamation point.) As you know, my carefree days of youth were spent under the tutelage of Barbary pirates. And Tipper Gore. I've always been led to believe my social security number is 10. Or maybe that's my shoe size. Perhaps both? Please forgive my mental meandering as I fell asleep this morning in my hyperbaric chamber, which has taught me to breathe underwater, not unlike Kevin Costner's character in "Wyatt Earp." Anyhoo, we have a slight problem. My liquid capital is currently tied up in a lawsuit against Oscar Meyer. Not coincidentally, I've invested heavily in a line of vegan hot dogs. They're made of straw, oatmeal, mulch and yarn. They're really quite awful but very healthy! And the kids these days at these music festivals in Colorado can't get enough! So I have a proposition for you, my good friend. I will gladly sign over to you 14 percent ownership in Joe's Vegan Earthdogs, which will easily be worth $250,000 in 2024. And I will happily lend you the keys to my handsomely restored 1971 Winnebago Chieftain, which comfortably sleeps eight adults, one mime troupe and tows my Bonneville like a champ. To sweeten the pot, I will also lend you, for two months, my secluded villa in Cleveland. It is an idyllic getaway. Tucked along the banks of the scenic Cuyahoga River, it personifies the beauty of Scranton Flats. I will need it back in time for the next induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, as I feel strongly that it will finally be time to see Kenny Loggins get his just reward, and I don't want to disappoint his extended family by not having my banquet hall overflowing with smoked sturgeon and Schlitz. Those are Mr. Loggins' demands. I can also promise a private performance from Mr. Loggins. He does not take requests, but I think you will be pleased with the offerings from his extensive repertoire. Until you've heard him perform "Danger Zone," you haven't lived! And verily, I promise you an unlimited supply of Schlitz! As a final token of good faith, I will also promise you box seats all next season at Shea Stadium so you can enjoy watching the finest assemblage of athletes to ever take the field, the New York Mets. Watching Keith Hernandez – aka Mr. October – command the field against the Red Sox of Boston has been one of the finest pursuits in which I've taken part, next to perhaps hot air ballooning with Dom DeLuise. Let's make a deal, okay?