Did you miss ‘Southern Charm?’ You’re smarter than I am.

by | May 4, 2014 1:13 pm

So many dumb things happened on the first season of “Southern Charm” that it’s really difficult to focus on the key dumb things that stood out as the dumbest.

joe_perryIf you missed it, it’s just a bunch of rich people who are good at doing nothing, arguing, wearing sunglasses, lying and going to parties. So really, it’s basically Congress, minus the sunglasses and Charleston locations.

I didn’t miss it — became engrossed in it, I am ashamed to admit — because my wife wanted to watch it. I learned years ago that “Sounds good” is the proper response to 94 percent of everything my wife says. The other 6 percent of the time, I pause and say: “Well, what do you think?”

If you missed my other column about “Southern Charm” and need to kill a few minutes, here you go: manninglive.com/2014/04/15/light-charm-heavy-vapid/ (Sorry about the giant mug shot. No one should ever have to look at a picture of a 41-year-old journalist.)

The most news grabby thing about the first season of “Southern Charm” was this: Kathryn Calhoun Dennis and Thomas Ravenel procreated and have a baby girl, Kensington, who is named after a new subdivision in Mount Pleasant developed by The Ravenel Corporation.

I should point out that I need to correct something. I previously reported that Ravenel, the former state treasurer, former cocaine enthusiast and current sort-of-senatorial candidate is 48-years-old. He’s not. He is 51 — despite his official Bravo TV website bio — so he can somehow bend time, which is Strom Thurmondian and definitely qualifies him for a senate seat.

So I was wrong about T-Rav, and I was also wrong about K-Ca-Den’s age, which is 22. But I think she aged in normal, space-time conditions. (And as she told us several times, she’s an “old soul,” which I think means she first got drunk in middle school.)

At one point in the recap and reunion show Monday night, Ravenel prefaced an opinion by saying that it was coming from a political perspective. I wasn’t paying that close attention, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t see any melting clocks folded over tree branches in the background, and yet I found his statement to be comfortingly surreal and senatorial nonetheless.

And on Monday night’s recap Whitney said he is 45 and his mother couldn’t be on the show because she had the flu. I took that to mean that Whitney is probably 53 and has had his face ironed a couple times. I also assumed that his mother, who is likely 84, was spending the weekend on the Isle of Hyperbaric Chambers.

Whitney also said he’s dating a 21-year-old model, but that she speaks several languages, is mature and well traveled, and enjoys the company of gifted liars who still live with their mother.

What else happened on Monday night’s show? Craig wore bright red pants because he definitely doesn’t crave attention, and Jenna touched her hair a lot. She also revealed that she took first place in the Southern 500 Teeth Whitening Winston Cup. If “Hollywood Squares” still exists, she’s a shoe-in for the bottom middle square, in between Ashlee Simpson and Dennis Rodman.

We also got explanations of things that happened during the first season, like: when Ravenel showed up at Shep’s one day to discuss paternity tests and how they might both have to take one in order to determine who impregnated Kathryn…remember that? Shep told the Monday night audience he’d just come off a two day bender and was probably still drunk that day. Ravenel, however, said on Monday’s show he’s a lightweight and it only takes a few drinks to get him loopy. Considering the number of times we saw him jump into the whiskey hole, that’s a pretty respectable lie, and again, senatorial.

And I forgot to mention the July 4 episode, during which time Whitney showed off a guitar with a Chanel logo. It made me really feel sorry for the guitar. I also admired how he walked into a loft, bought it and hosted a party that very night, which is exactly how real estate transactions work.

If there’s a second season of “Southern Charm,” I predict that Shep will mastermind Ravenel’s senate campaign — can you say spin-off? Jenna will get signed by Paris Hilton Records. Cameran and Craig will lead fairly normal lives that are totally uninteresting. Whitney’s mother will lapse into a coma following a face removal and ligament tightening procedure, and Whitney will pull the plug a day later while he’s texting his butler. After Ravenel’s senate bid founders, he and Shep will open a bar and grill on Folly Beach.

Well, I’ll see you at T-Rav’s, I guess. Because sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name, and Lindsey Graham is glad you came.

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